Okay, jeez. My “so-called” fans have spoken, as two different people have informed me that my last post didn’t include any photographs of birds, or even say a single thing about birds. But come on people, I gave vital insider insight into how I skyrocketed to the top of the ranks, a quite candid and dare I say “no holes barred” look into how we professional birders really do business. Another two people doubted that I really even am much of a birding expert. Ummm… WRONG!!! Did you even read that last post???! I’m the number one birder EVER in Garfield County! I trust you’ve seen this already: http://ebird.org/ebird/top100?locInfo.regionCode=US-UT-017&year=AAAA
Ummm… yeah. That Ryan McDermott.
But to humor the doubters and the “haterz,” allow me to introduce myself: I’m the All-Time Birding Leader for Garfield County, and here’s why:
This is just a primo example of me in my straight up natural environment. Note: the birds easily approach me without hesitation, whilst my beleaguered colleague holds out his hand in vain. They are only drawn towards me! [Disclaimer: this was taken in St. Louis, Missouri in March 2014, so it unfortunately didn’t count towards my “Big Year” of 2015, but how cool would that have been?]
Further evidence. Note: not only have I allured 3 different species within the span of 2 images (Canadian Goose, American Brown Duck, and Swan), but I think the other gentleman’s expression truly says all you need to know: I am an AMAZING birder!!! Further note: my binoculars are cast off behind me, because I often don’t even need them to identify birds!!!!! (I do apologize for this shot being slightly NSFW, since it shows off my “lower rump region” as all we serious bird experts refer to it.)
Exhibit C: My own Sibley Guide to Birds (note how worn out it is from me constantly reading it), my Birding Utah guide (which has helped me find nearly every bird in Utah), Peter Singer’s Animal Liberation (a treatise on why you should be kind to animals, including birds), and my napkin rings which are shaped like ducks.
That enough for ya? Yeah, I thought it might be, but let’s go deeper, dawg. Allow me to show you the true lengths I go in order to be the “numbero uno” birder around.
That’s right, I’ve done a little something called THE CHRISTMAS BIRD COUNT, ever heard of it?! I love birds so much, I spent Christmas with them like they were my own family, instead of being with my real family. And you bet that’s the finest quality bird seed behind me, and you better bet that I always feed the birds outside my house, inside my house, and everywhere else I go! In other words: birds depend on me for survival.
Here’s a peaceful image of me just whistling away, like a bird. You can’t hear it since it’s just a selfie, but let me assure you: I sound just like one!
The main reason I’m such a Bird Master is that I’m highly-trained in all the ancient birding techniques. One such insider method is a little thing we do called “pishing,” wherein one produces this whispery sound by pushing air through one’s teeth, making a noise sort of like “pish pish pish.” This sound attracts birds, because it is very annoying, so sometimes they’ll fly right up and try to peck you so you’ll stop. I swear by the pishing system, it’s how I’ve seen every single bird I’ve ever seen. This one time, I was pishing near some bushes, and I heard a mysterious bird from deep within the bushes, so I pished harder. I stood there just pishing and pishing, I probably pished for a solid five minutes! It flowed right out of me, sometimes it feels so good to pish! Then I noticed some family with small children walking past me while I was awkwardly just standing there pishing into the bushes, but what could I do, I had to pish! Their little boy came over and curiously watched me while I pished, and then he started to pish himself! It was so cute! Unfortunately I never did see that bird.
Yinz all know I’m a renowned bird artist, as demonstrated here: Drawing Study: Beaks of the Finches. But I’ll have you know these skillz extend into the 3-D(imentional) realm, as well! Why, from an ordinary flat piece of paper, I’ve crafted the unmistakable likeness of a swan! (I had forgotten this was supposed to be a swan when I took this photograph and mistakenly provided comparison images of geese, but I suppose it could be a goose, too. That’s the beauty of talented art: always open to interpretation!)
Here I am just sippin’ my morning brew (Clamato) out of, yep, you guessed it: a mug with birds on it! [Disclaimer: I have never seen parrots in the wild nor ever been to Florida.]
Given that it ain’t just called “The Wild Wild West” for nothin’, I’m even allowed to own
birds out here!!! When I was informed by the thought police at eBird HQ that my Utah State Record ostriches were most likely farm birds and thus wouldn’t count towards my score, I was annoyed, but also a little excited, because that meant maybe it was possible to own an ostrich of my very own! After researching the requirements for keeping an ostrich (yes, I’ll humbly admit, sometimes I don’t know everything
about birds, and occasionally I need to look things up), I decided to go for a smaller variety, so I got some chickens. Their names are Chickenzie, Repecka, Ericluck, Egglizabeth, Leslie Niels-Hen, Chicken Soup For My Soul, and Porky 1 and Porky 2, just because I love those movies Porky’s
and Porky’s II: The Next Day.
LOL, the chickens just love me! And I love them too, obv., which is why I’ll certainly never kill them or eat them and always let them have all the food and attention they could ever want, so don’t go tweeting PETA on me or anything! As I consider them all my children, I don’t even let myself eat their eggs, since that would be akin to eating my own unborn grandchildren.
As the final proof of my prowess, I give you this photograph taken out in the real world, A.K.A. The Wilderness, where I’m holding up these cool bird feathers that I easily found all by myself. (Expert advice: you should always wear safety gloves when handling wild bird parts, because birds are filthy little critters and you don’t know where they’ve been.)
Still want to doubt I know a thing or two about birds? Nah, didn’t think so, bro.
Your Honor, I rest my case.